word to the wise

so i, like many poor students, took out some loans for school. for some ridiculous, and some very good, reasons, i took out more than i probably should have - with somewhat dubious results, as i am now terribly well-educated in several fields i am not actively pursuing (and, in which, due to laziness, i am not maintaining a high level of currency).

my eucation in fiscal management has been haphazard at best, and left me feeling both guilty for being in debt and also shame-faced for not being able to aesetically pull myself up by my bootstraps through minimizing my outlay on non-necessities. i have recently gotten a sizeable raise, bringing me up into the more middling income for my age group, and my basic expenses are modest in spite of livin in nyc. however, it is not sufficient to the cost of my student loan arrears.

this is partly because my first year in nyc i was an americorps volunteer and made a measly $14000, and trashed out my credit trying to float myself on a credit card - and then, stupidly, chose to throw all of my money at the credit card debt once i started earning more, instead of evenly paying towards everything. i have not appropriately gamed the system.

but it is also because (and this, don’t laugh, is a new revelation for me - and an outraging heartbreaking bitterness inducing one) while i’ve been lead to believe that student loan debt is inevitable (moderately true for someone of my economic background) but manageable and that there are many good programs out there for dealing with it and surviving it and the difference in income after you’ve acquired the education is sufficient to the cost of paying back, all of that is only true if the economy maintains a basic level, you’ve only accrued a certain amount of student debt, and interest rates are not insurmountable.

the result? from believing that all student loan debt is the same, and credit card debt is worse, i paid off the credit card and postponed paying the lower of my two student loan debts (private, not federal), thinking that the interest accrual would be easier to deal with. now my credit card is totally paid off (hurrah!), my private student loan is in default, unrehab-able, and costing me an unrepentant $500/mo, and my federal debt consolidated and put into  voluntary forbearance  (because  “economic hardship” deferment can only be claimed if your debt burden is large due to federal loan debt, and because i would like to stop accruing late fees for not being able to pay the $400/mo) which still accrues interest at a wopping rate of $10.41/day or over $300 per month. which is then capitalized and added to my principal quarterly.

all of which means that i will owe money til at least 2033, and past then if I fail to become capable of paying roughly $1000/mo towards debt servicing for the intervening 25 years. it also means that in the end (not including what i’ve already paid), i will have paid over $100,000 in interest alone.

i also yesterday saw someone chase a thoroughly miserable confused looking rat into a busy intersection just so he could have the pleasure of kicking it like a soccer ball up into the air and into a gutter and laughing.

there is a lesson in moral equivalency somewhere in these two stories, but right now I think i just want to go outside and walk in the rain and enjoy the refreshing lack of humidity and extra day off…